Today I had my therapy session. It was mainly to find out where I am now in my recovery from trauma. I am doing well but I still have a long way to go.
It dawned on me today that I have a lot of pent up anger inside me. I have never really “dealt” with it and it’s disturbing. I control myself well where the anger is concerned but sometimes little things set me off and I experience moodiness. On days like these, I won’t say anything. My fiance’ goes nuts when I’m quiet. He’s always telling me it’s not normal for a woman. I’ve never been one to talk just for the sake of talking. If I don’t have anything to say, I don’t talk. He then asks me, “Are you okay, Girl?” Of course, once is fine. I’m so fortunate to have such a thoughtful man by my side. But, he’ll ask me this every 15 to 20 minutes until I begin feeling angry and end up getting snappy with my answers. Then, he REALLY thinks something is wrong and I just end up being frustrated.
Ephesians 4:26 says, ” ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” It’s getting harder for me to keep my anger in check. I am angry with being attacked, I am angry at being betrayed by the ones I loved the most, and I’m angry that I’m angry. Does that make sense?
I feel better acknowledging it but I want to overcome the rage inside and honor God with my life. Anger is an emotion…a very strong emotion. If I don’t allow the Lord to protect me, I’m liable to be swallowed up by this. I don’t want that. I have to keep reminding myself that anger is a “normal” response for what I’ve been through but it’s “not normal” to hold onto that anger and let it rule my responses. If I hold onto my anger, I am letting those who hurt me win in the end. I am giving them control over my emotions and becoming a victim all over again.
So, what do I plan to do about this? Well, I plan to pray to God to break the stronghold of anger in my life and replace it with His mercy and compassion. I plan on acknowledging my sins before God and ask Him to forgive me. I will NOT allow anger to short change me. Anger is good at the appropriate time but staying angry is NOT. As the old adage goes, I will let go and let God.